I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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