found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
