There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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