It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
