just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
