I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
