Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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