Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
