sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
