If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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