she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
