I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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