it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
