Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
