also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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