I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
