i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
