How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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