god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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