and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize