The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
