i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
