My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
