my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
