Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize