If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
