you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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