wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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