My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
