drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
