I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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