i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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