awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
