Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
