we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dear god my vagina.
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