so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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