can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
lol hangovers are for mortals.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
