the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
