This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
