i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
that is very illegal...i love you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
