and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
