I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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