No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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