I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
