pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
