You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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