Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
