Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
