It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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