So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize