I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
