High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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