Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
