I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
