On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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