I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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