I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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