if i can run in heels then i can drive
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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