if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
