Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
