Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
