my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Boobs speak an international language.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
