so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
